MEDICAL ONE LINERS

I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.

A man went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doc explained his prescription:
"Take a green pill with a glass of water after getting up. Take a blue pill with glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take a red pill with another glass of water.
The patient was a bit shocked by all these colours and asked: "Doctor. what exaxctly is wrong with me?"
"You're not getting enough water."

We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium.

My mom takes so many iron tablets the only time she feels good is when she's facing magnetic north. My brothers are fighting over her mineral rights.

A young housewife asked her friend, "What is that you're taking - The pill?"
"No it's a tranquilizer. I forgot to take the pill."

James Bryce - Medicine: the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence.

Voltaire - Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.

Do your drug experimenting on politicians.

Miracle drug - Anything that will do 25% as much as the label says.

Miracle drug - Anything the kids will take without screaming.

Miracle drug - one that costs no more than it did last year.

The doctor used so many medicines he didn't know which one worked.

At the psychiatrist's office a woman came in depressed. "I'm lonely. I have no friends. Doctor can you help me accept my ugliness?"
Psychatrist: "I think I can. Go lay face down on the couch."

Socialized Medicine is where the psychiatrist lays down on the couch with you.

Hypochondriac: Someone who takes different pills than you do.

Hospital bills now are divided into parts and labor.

If laughter was the best medicine doctors would find a way to charge for it.

"Virus" is a Latin word for your guess is as good as mine.

Costrophobia - Fear of rising drug prices.

We need a good, affordable disease.

My artificial kidney got kidney stones.

Credit card disease: Spendicitus

Germs attack the weakest part of your body - the head.

Modern day prescription - take one pill as often as you can afford it.

Diet tranquilizer - you don't lose weight, but you really don't care.

If you can't cure it, insure it.

If you don't take some kind of pill your colleagues will think you're over confidant.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who were arch rivals.

Podiatrists are good at thinking on your feet.

Podiatrists have a real foothold on the medical profession.

Thanks to the tremendous strides in medicine people are living longer. This gives them the extra time needed to pay their medical bills.

The doctor said to let him know how my prescription works because he's having the same problem himself.

What's the death rate? One to a person.

My inner child was adopted.

The new drugs are so exciting I feel like I'm missing something by being in good health.

Drug abuse used to be two doses of castor oil.

Some people only feel good when their pep pills forge ahead of their tranquilizers.

Researchers have developed a medication that when taken under doctors orders is guaranteed not to make your cold any worse.

Penicillin has been called the "wonder drug" because any time the doctor wonders what you have, that's what you get.

A lot of people who switched from cyclamates to saccharin got artificial diabetes.

William Osler 1849-1919 Canadian Physician writer teacher of medicine. - The desire to take medicines is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.

George Bernard Shaw born 1856 - He's a devout believer in the department of witchcraft called medical science.

Voltaire 1694 1778 - The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

Martin Fischer Born 1879 - Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window except that the birds might eat them.

The nurse said "Don't worry, the doctor has seen an operation exactly like yours on TV."

It's not habit forming. I know. I've been taking it for twelve years now.