1
 When a recipe tells you to separate 2 eggs, how far is acceptable? I've just put one on a train to Aberdeen.
2
 My wife asked me if I remembered the most stupid thing I ever said. I said: “I do."
3
 Apparently Donald Trump has promised that if he is elected again he will ban the sale of shredded cheese: he wants to make America grate again.
4
 What was the snowman doing in the greengrocers? Picking his nose .....
5
 My wife applied for a job in a perfume factory. She was soon scent packing.
6
 My mate asked me: “What do you call those things where you blow and make a wish?”
I replied: “A breathalyzer.”
7
 The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.
8
 I had a Wookie steak last night. I have to say, it was a bit chewy!
9
 I don't understand all the fuss about genetically modified food: I had a wonderful leg of tuna yesterday.
10
 After the operation, I told my wife I had broken my leg in 3 places. She told me I had better stay away from those places.
11
 You have to feel sorry for Santa. Every year he gets the sack at Christmas.
12
 If a dog could give out legal advice, do you reckon it would charge or work pro bono?
13
 I'm confused! In order for me to have my planning application accepted for a block of flats the council said that the design
must be floorless.
14
 I'm trying to open The World's Best Pub for short people but I fear I may have set the bar too high.
15
 Me: "Hello is that the cricket club?"
Club Secretary: “Yes."
Me: “Could I speak to Mike please?”
Club Secretary: “I’m sorry, he’s in at the moment. I’ll get him to call you back when he’s out - knowing Mike he shouldn't be long."
16
 The volcano in Iceland - magmanificent! And volcanoes have rights, too!! I refer you to the Magma Carta.
17
 The adjective from metal is metallic, but the one from iron is not ironic - which is ironic.
18
 We should know how much baby Jesus weighed when born because they had a weigh in the manger .....
19
 The distance between the rungs on ladders has increased over the years as people have become taller. It’s another example of climb it change.
20
 When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party. Now, I'm homeless.
21
 A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with one carrying blue paint. Now both crews are marooned.
22
 Just finished writing my second book and I let my wife read it. She said that the protagonist should die. I said:
"You do realise it’s an autobiography. don't you?"
She said: "Do I look stupid?"
I thought it best not to reply.
23
 Sorry about my earlier joke about oil: it was a bit crude. I'll make sure my jokes are more refined in future.
24
 I was born with my head the wrong way round, but an operation corrected it and I haven't looked back since.
25
 My friend is in hospital after eating Daffodil bulbs, mistaking them for onions. He's expecting to be out in the spring.
26
 Does anyone know how long I can keep a turkey in the fridge for? I put mine in today, but it keeps trying to get out.
27
 In local news a man has been arrested for throwing a bottle of bleach over the local vicar. He's been charged with a
Bleach of the Priest.
28
 I didn't know much about cows until Second Dairy School.
29
 I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.
30
 "Quasimodo?" That name rings a bell ....
31
 Quasimodo was ill so his brother was engaged to ring the bells until he got better. Unfortunately the first time he climbed up to the belfry he fell out. He always did look a bit like his brother, now he's a dead ringer for him.
32
 The advice to avoid playing Russian roulette is a no-brainer.
33
 The hospital has ordered too many stethoscopes. Now they've got them coming out of their ears.
34
 SPOILER ALERT! I’ve just had one of those aerodynamic foil things fitted to the back of my car.
35
 I was a bit slow at the drinks party. I was beaten to the punch.
36
 The leader of the Anagram Society has resigned. They’re now searching for a new main arch.
37
 On Christmas morning I am getting up early to cut the garden hedge. Then later I will be sitting down to Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.
38
 Just heard a commotion in the sky. It was Santa arguing with the reindeers. Not serious though: just a Ding-Dong merrily on high.
39
 My dentist won an award for "Dentist of the Year", but all he got was a little plaque.
40
 Jousting is considered a very dangerous sport according to a recent gallop pole.
41
 Maybe the early bird gets the worm, but the late worm avoids the early bird!
42
 Someone has ripped out the fifth month from my new calendar - I'm totally dismayed.
43
 My husband and my in-laws fell out on holiday. But the rest of the balloon ride was very peaceful.
44
 A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
45
 My new year resolution is to stop procrastinating ….. starting next week.
46
 Is the Leaning Tower of Pisa a listed building?
47
 I couldn't take my Sid James rucksack AND my Kenneth Williams satchel onto the flight as I was only allowed one piece of carry-on luggage.
48
 Two feet of snow fell last night; we're just wondering what happened to the legs .....
49
 Our son has grown a foot in the last year. All very well making medical hisory but buying him shoes is now so expensive.
50
 A famour wanted to buy a new cow but he couldn't remember where he had left the cattlelog.
51
I just received a nice compliment from a colleague. She told me I have the perfect face for a radio host.
52
 We apologize for the current temporary shortage of sparkling water. The Fizzichian who has to give it a fizzical is off sick ......
53
 I have a large number of back issues of "Osteopathy Monthly".
54
 I was so fed up with my bad back that I went to see a witch doctor. He said I needed a spell in hospital.
55
 There are seven foot doctors in that street! Maybe they ate lots of spinach when they were young?
56
 I asked my local butcher for an oxtail. He said:"Once upon a time there was an ox ....."
57
The guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella' - but he hesitated .....
58
 The Welsh sheep choir sang four bleats to the baa - the cows found it very mooving.
59
 My flatmate never talks abut the steamroller accident he had.
60
 People who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.
61
 I am so happy I am not from Scandinavia: who wants to have a face like a Norse?
62
 I gave up my job looking after chickens: couldn't stand the fowl language.
63
 The best thing about tightrope-walking is that it keeps you on the straight and narrow .....
64
 My boss is a right witch: she's always flying off the handle at me.
65
 Just paid 20 quid for a two mile taxi ride to the launderette - feels like I've been taken to the cleaners!
66
 Some people are just weird. I went into hardware store this morning and asked for some nails.
The assistant asked: "How long do you want them?”
I said: “I want to keep them of course!"
67
 My local doc. "Well, Mr Bloggins, have you ever been troubled with diarrhoea?"
Me: "No, doctor. Only when I try to spell it."
68
 A team of scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
69
 I spent a fortune on a female racehorse that won't race during the day. It's a real nightmare.
70
 I suffer from kleptomania, but I’m taking something for it.
71
I need trepanation like a hole in the head.
72
 I met a renowned artist yesterday, so I asked him what noun he’d like me to use to refer to him.
73
 It’s nil nil at half time at the local undertakers' charity football match. If things are going to change we need to see more bodies in the box.
74
 I like jokes about eyes …… the cornea the better.
75
 How far up do you have to go to get to the height of stupidity?
76
 I've got some racing geese for sale. Give me a call if you'd like a quick gander.
77
 I went into a record shop and asked: "What have you got by The Doors?".
The man behind the counter said: "A fire extinguisher and a bucket of sand!"
78
 I've just replaced our toilet seat - didn't get anything fancy, just the bog standard.
79
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt - archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche .......
80
 Many years ago, at elementary school, I fell off the top of one of those climbing frames they used to have. Luckily for me I landed on a girl from my class. She wasn’t hurt too badly, just said. "So, you DO have a crush on me!"
81
 My doctor says I have lockjaw. Apparently I need keyhole surgery.
82
 I started my pork and cod diet today. It's quite good actually - apparently one eats like a pig and drinks like a fish.
83
 I want to be the world's currant leading sultana expert. That's my raisin d'etre.
84
 When I retired as a pirate, putting the parrot back in its cage after all those years took the weight off my shoulders.
85
 I’ve heard of Tai Chi, Karate and Kung fu. But what’s Ty Phoo?
86
 Mum: "How did you get on at school today, Katie?"
Katie: "Miss Jones told me off because I couldn't remember where the pyramids were."
Mum: "Well, you really should try to remember where you put things, Dear."
87
 You get a really great view from the top of the Eyeful Tower.
88
 Digging wells is the only job where you start at the top and work your way down ......
89
 Mosquitoes apparently kill more people than hippos. Fascinating, but how the hell does a mosquito kill a hippo?
90
I asked my mum why she always used “jealousy” in place of “envy”, “gluttony ” instead of “greed”, and “desire” rather than “lust”. She told me me: “Because they’re sinonyms."
91
 It was so busy in the mall, and there was this bloke stopping everyone and saying "Hallo". He must have been hallocinating ......
92
 We all know what 'teatime' is, but apparently in Borneo they make tea from thyme, which of course is thymetea.
93
 My mum was so proud of me when I told her I had been made spokesman at the bicycle factory after just a week.
94
 I've lost my wife's audiobook - I'll never hear the end of it.
95
 Self-immolation isn't very environmentally friendly: you leave TWO carbon footprints.
96
 At the restaurant last night, all my date did was complain in a high pitched tone. Talk about whine and dine .....
I should have given her a list of topics to complain about, also known as the whine list.
97
 My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets, but first I've got to want to help myself.
98
 I'm confused. How can an undertaker raise his prices and blame it on the cost of living?
99
 When I asked people to donate a paddle for my rowing boat I received over a thousand replies ...... I was overawed.
100
 I couldn't remember exactly who Quasimodo was, but the name did ring a bell.
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