1
 I have an exciting job putting together books about witchcraft. It’s spellbinding.
2
 Mime artists do unspeakable things ...
3
 Business news: a leading mattress company has revealed that customers have been complaining of finding broken glass and other sharp objects in their mattresses. The company has now warned of cutbacks in its production.
4
 Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands: no canaries there either.
5
 The popularity of yeast is on the rise.
6
 Got a part time job at a dentist's, but I am just filling in.
7
 A friend said to me: "Do you know where I can buy a wig?"
"Not off the top of my head," I replied.
8
 I told my Chinese friend Ting Wong that calling his new baby boy 'Sum' would not be wise if he planned to travel outside China.
9
 The Wong Fu King bookshop in Shanghai is famous. Tourists stand outside it taking selfies!
10
 I don’t like buns that were made yesterday …. I like current buns.
11
 I drank 6 pints of milk before bed last night... Stomach was churning all night... Luckily I feel butter this morning.
12
 I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the priest for the WiFi code. He shouted: "Have some respect for the dead."
I said: "Is that all in lower case?"
13
 Thought I’d treat my wife .... so I painted her with Cuprinol.
14
Paddy: “Hi Doctor, bit embarrassing but I’ve been stung by a bee in the worst place."
Doctor: “Sorry to hear that. I don't think much of Scunthorpe either ....."
15
 I asked my friend: "What part of America is your wife from?"
He said: "Alaska."
I said: "I thought you'd already know."
16
 The missus just asked me what I’m doing today. I said: "I’m doing nothing!" 
She said: "You did that yesterday."
I said: "Well I haven’t finished yet." ��
17
 Someone asked me whether I was superstitious. I told them I'm not even stitious.
18
 Just wrote my oughtobiography: all the things I ought to have done and be doing.
19
I have this irrational fear of Horse chestnut trees. I will conquer it one day.
20
My wife was going through her wardrobe today.
She said: “Look at this. It still fits me after 25 years.”
I said: “It’s a scarf!"
21
 The shortest will and testament ever read to a room full of hopeful relatives:
"Being of sound mind. I spent all my money."
22
 I said to the baker: “How come all your cakes are £2 except that one is £3?”
He said: “That's madeira cake.”
23
 National 'No Bra' day tomorrow. Please show support: it was a bit of a flop last year.
24
 My company now only employs people under 5 ft. Apparently they’re downsizing.
25
 Friend: "I've just had an urgent call from the hospital."
Me: "The hospital - what is it?"
Friend: "It's a large building with doctors and nurses, but that's not important right now."
26
 What do you call a penguin in the desert? LOST!
27
 I'm not saying my Mate's thick, but he thought a crèche was a motor accident involving posh people.
28
 The world's leading authority on vegetarians has passed away. They expect a big turnip at his funeral.
29
 I've just tried some Moroccan chocolate; it's very moorish.
30
 People who hoard magazines have lots of issues.
31
 We know which instrument my parents were partial to when they named me Amanda Lynn.
32
 Before I became a stuntman, I was trained to make mattresses. It was just in case I needed something to fall back on .....
33
 Why does no one ever have the right amount of 'whelmed'?
34
 We went to a charity do for the R.N.L.I - they really know how to push the boat out.
35
 Greyhounds for sale - going fast .....
36
 I’m sure that the guy who came to fix my broken window had been drinking. He had that glazed look in his eye.
37
 Did you know that guy with a glass eye named Smith? I don't know what his other eye was called.
38
 Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up. I do so hate these cold calls.
39
 To the person who invented the freezer: Thank you, that was an ice idea.
40
 When we stopped hunting deer and went after pheasant instead, it was a real game changer.
41
 When I was young I was poor, but after a life of hard work things have really changed: I am no longer young .....
42
 Sign in shop: "Missing Dog": Grey Labrador, blind in the right eye, only has 3 legs, large scar on throat, one side missing fur!
Answers to the name "Lucky".
43
 When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently "Kindergarten" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
44
 Isn't it heartbreaking when you grow up and find out that: "This little piggy went to market." doesn't mean it went shopping?
45
 Doctor: "Have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"
Me: "No, I've always dressed this way."
46
 Quasimodo? Mmmm, That name rings a bell.
47
 I went for a job interview to be an ice-cream man: didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.
48
 I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my new book: "100 Ways to Cure an Itch." Looks like I'll have to start again from scratch.
49
 Watched a programme about how they made the channel tunnel; it was boring from start to end.
50
 I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her bedroom drawers and finding a nurse's uniform, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided tht if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
51
 Wife: “I'd like to donate this bag of clothes to the charity shop.”
Husband: “Why don’t you just throw it in the bin & save all the hassle?”
Wife: “But there are poor & starving people who could use these.”
Husband: ”Trust me - they are not starving if your clothes fit them.”
52
 Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's a melon collie.
53
 Me: "My new pet is a very long snake!"
My mate: "Wow! How many feet?"
Me: "It's a snake you idiot; they don't have feet."
54
 Military officers are just attention seekers.
55
 I went to the doctor's complaining that it hurts when I eat chocolate croissant. He told me it's pain au chocolat.
56
 Since we purchased single waterbeds the wife and I have drifted apart.
57
 Just had a woman at the front door for half an hour telling me the benefits of eating brown bread; must have been a Hovis Witness.
58
 I need trepanation like a hole in the head.
59
 I met a renowned artist yesterday, so I asked him what noun he’d like me to use to refer to him in the future.
60
 I’m not solely responsible for the success of our glove company, but I did have a hand in it.
61
 I bought a lettuce the other day which had gone brown at the top. Apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg.
62
 I said to my doctor: “The older I get, the more I want to spread gossip.”
He said: “Sounds like rumourtism.”
63
 The residents of Helsinki are very reliable: once they start a job they will always Finnish it.
64
 I have many memories from my athletic days, but the one that sticks in my mind is when I was hit in the head by a javelin.
65
I set up a business using my lathe making small religious figures out of wood, but I still haven't managed to turn a prophet.
66
 After our argument, I didn't see my wife for two days. On the third day, I could open my eyes a little.
67
 I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered.
68
 If there is anybody alone and has no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.
69
 Bought a rocket salad yesterday but it went off before I could eat it ....
70
 I may be 70 but I have a lot going for me: my memory, my knees and my hair just for starters .....
71
 I just heard that they are not making shortbread any longer!
72
 Until I got married I never realised there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge - and I can never remember which way up the cutlery is supposed to go in the dishwasher .......
73
 I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic today, but it turned out to be a false Salaam.
74
 I have the memory of an elephant. I went to the zoo once and remember seeing one.
75
 If there was a medicine for my kleptomania I would take it immediately.
76
 After the service I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church, Vicar."
He said: "It's Norman."
I said: "Oh right - this is a lovely old church, Norman."
77
 I wanted to improve my dribbling, so I applied to join the Salivation Army.
78
 I set up a business using my lathe making small religious figures out of wood, but I still haven't yet managed to turn a prophet.
79
 Swimming with dolphins is more affordable than ever these days. Swimming with sharks, however, will still cost you an arm and a leg.
80
 I'm applying for a job in Seoul. I think it's a good Korea move....
81
 I changed the ringtone on my alarm to the Hokey Cokey. Big mistake - took me 20 minutes to get out of bed.
82
 The bouncer said: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
I said: "Why."
He said: "1) I have no idea who you are and 2) it's my trampoline."
83
 At last , I've started work as a shoe repairer: now I must look for a partner - every cobbler needs a solemate.
84
 Most items can be measured using the metric system, but shoes still need feet.
85
 I’ve just found out Steffi Graf had a sister named Polly and a brother named Telly .....
86
 Moist people aren't bothered by the occasional typo ......
87
 I watched a series on Netfix about a tennis bribery scandal.
88
 I'm developing a new method of air crew training. It's just a pilot scheme at the moment.
89
 I was addicted to eating biscuits, so I looked online for help. The website said: "This site uses cookies."
I thought: "That's not helpful!"
90
 If it weren’t for the invention of Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
91
 I have fired my massuse: she kept rubbing me up the wrong way.
92
 I asked the butcher if he had a sheep's head. He said: "No, it's just the way I part my hair."
93
 I went out today with half of my face painted like a clown. Not everyone saw the funny side.
94
 There has been an explosion at the Nissan Factory in the North East. One eyewitness said it was raining Datsun Cogs!
95
 At the moment there is a beautiful woman trying to beat a path to my door! I suppose I should open it and let her out ....
96
 My new girlfriend is called Chantelle; she's really good at keeping secrets ....
97
 I keep having nightmares: I keep thinking I'm a horse. That's five nights on the trot.
98
Went into the butcher's this morning and asked for an oxtail. He said: "Certainly, once upon a time there was this ox ...."
99
 Consuming too much alcohol because you think it will cure your depression is just wishful drinking .....
100
 I tried to remarry my ex wife but she figured out I was only after my money.
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