Puns & One-Liners

A leading importer of spices and similar products recently revealed it does not have an established finance department. The company issued a statement, saying there’s no accounting for taste.

RETURN

Joe Figgis is the greatest-ever goalscorer in the history of the Football League. His right foot is a legend ....

Tracy is chatting to Brenda at the washeteria:

"You dating anyone at the moment?"

"Nah - giving it a rest for a while."

"Know what you mean. I've been through the menopause, too - more than once actually."

My name is Jack. Unfortunately, due to my speech impediment I can only pronounce it 'Yack', but that's just a Yolk I just have to bear. Had a terrible effect on my career as a stand-up comic though. I mean, starting off with: "I'm going to tell you some yokes." is a bit weird. Funny thing is, it often gets a laugh ....

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Opticians have a good eye for a pun, but dermatologists tell pore jokes.

It turns that 1 out of every 5 people are Chinese. Not sure who it is in our family. It’s not my Mum or Dad & I don’t think it’s me or Sandra but it could be Chang.

I was clinging on for dear life. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted: "Whatever you do, don’t look down." So I started smiling.

Took a test today and it turns out I have a very high IQ rating. It’s true, I queue for buses, I queue for petrol, shopping, at post offices …..

I prefer to be known as a drunkard and not an alcoholic: it gets me out of attending stupid meetings.

If Apple made a car would it still have windows?

I’ve consulted my dictionary, and the definition of “opaque” is still unclear to me.

I phoned my paranoia help group to let them know I couldn’t drive there this evening. They just called to say they’re coming to get me.

The man who invented the speedboat has unfortunately passed away. His funeral is on Friday 10am followed by a wake.

I held the door open for a clown, he smiled and said "Thank you". I thought that was a nice jester.

Police just raided our house! Turns out my brother’s been stealing from work at the trifle factory. He’s been remanded in custardy.

I found 3 fox cubs and their mum in a suitcase near the canal today. Phoned the RSPCA and explained what I'd found.

She was horrified and asked me if they were moving. I said I wasn't sure, but it would explain why they had a suitcase.

After posting my job application, I discovered that I had written "Dear MADMAN" instead of "Dear MADAM."

The sheepdog trials have now finished; they were all innocent.

An angle of 89 degrees just isn't right.

An exitstentialist is a craftsman who stencils "Exit" on doors.

My boss has threatened to fire the person with the worst posture; I have a hunch it might be me.

The major cause of car crashes is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.

'Aperitif': French for a set of dentures.

My girlfriend isn't much good at cooking. Recipe said: "Separate the eggs.", so she put one in the living room, and one in the hall.

The police want to interview me. Strange ...... I didn’t even apply for a job there.

I'd rather use shampoo than genuine poo.

My family are worried about my addiction to join-the-dots puzzles, but I know where to draw the line.

Sorry I'm late for school, Miss, but there are 7 in our family and the alarm was set for 6.

My missus says I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop when I want to.

My brother has started work in a glue factory. I hope he sticks to it.

I was hopeless at campanalogy until someone showed me the ropes.

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that if it crashes, it bounces. It's called a Boing 24/7.

A thief broke into my house and stole my change jar; now I’m penniless.

My doctor found my arm humerus.

Took my magicians' exam today, which I duly failed: too many trick questions.

My friend asked me why I was painting a picture of my bookcase? I told her it was a shelf portrait.

You can make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water.

I spent 3 months in Antarctica in complete ice-olation.

Nothing succeeds like a toothless budgie.

Son: "I think there’s another word for sea front."

Me: "Shore?"

Son: "Yes, I’m certain."

Just a heads-up. The International Date Line is not a social media site for single foreigners.

Every day I walk out of my gate & get knocked down by a bike: it must be a vicious cycle going round.

I went on Trip Advisor today, it said: "Avoid uneven paving stones".

Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.

I’ve got a job in a salt and pepper factory. It pays quite well, but it's only seasonal work ....

Two master criminals called Kurt and Rod were caught hanging from a window ....

I like eating my kids and not using punctuation.

Our Vicar always mutters to himself when he goes out to water his tomatoes: "Let us spray ....."

The Nigerians designed a plane especially for carrying-witch-doctors. They called it a Mumbo-Jumbo jet.

Will a speaking watch be a success? Only time will tell.

This nightclub bouncer fell out of a 56th floor window and didn't bounce at all. The police were mystified.

The police are onto me for bursting peoples inflatables. I may have to lilo for a while!

We had a takeaway last night and tried the Pavarotti pizza.... It was just a tenor.

I went to the doctor and asked: "Do you have anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

I was at the airport with my husband when he passed out and fell onto the luggage carousel. I shouted out in panic to an airport operative:
"Don't worry," she said. "He'll come around in a minute ....."

The wife goes wild while shopping. It's her any-mall instincts at play!

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I just got offered a job as a telemarketer; I think I’ve found my true calling.

It's great being a bellringer because you always know for whom the bell tolls. I was lucky to get the job in fact: it usually takes a lot of pull .....

I knew I shouldn't have made my password "amnesia"; I can never remember the damned thing .....

What's the most popular name for a fisherman's wife? Annette.

Interviewer:	"So, how do you explain this 4 year gap in your CV?"
Me:	"That's when I went to Yale."
Interviewer:	"That's very impressive. You're hired. And what was your name again? "
Me:	"Thanks a lot. I really needed this Yob - and my name is Yackson. "

I've managed to conker my fear of walking under horse-chestnut trees.

So I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a farmer. He said he chose the wrong field.

I wasn't a fan of nurses at primary school; they were such nit-pickers!

Can't wait for tonight: we're putting on the heating and having a house-warming party

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.

It’s unwise to throw rubbish in any river in any city, but to do so in Paris would be in Seine.

Purchased a pair of second hand gloves, what a bargain. Now I'm going to buy a pair of second foot shoes.

My dentist is doing half-price teeth cleaning today. It's plaque Friday.

So my mate just said to me: “You’ve put a lot of weight on.” I said: "I’ve had a lot on my plate recently."

I used to teach origami, but I got fed up with the paperwork.

I once saw an elephant in my pyjamas, but how he got my pyjamas on I'll never know.

Sometimes at work, I like to run around with a hammer in my hand, yelling: "ATTENTION EVERYBODY, THIS IS NOT A DRILL."

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATM's filled. This is the 5th one I've been to today, that says 'Insufficient Funds.'

Just because I was argumentative when my claim for having a degree in palindromes was disbelieved, I have been nicknamed Dr Awkward.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it just in case there’s a salad dressing.

Husband yells into the phone: "How would I know; I'm not a weatherman!"

His wife asks him: "What's that all about?"

He says: "Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear."

If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer.

I wasn’t really interested in watching the World Vacuum Cleaning Championship but I got sucked in.

I've just put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom - just to make myself feel more classy ....

Movies about fishing usually do very well at the box office!! Especially if they have a great cast!

I can't understand why my plug-in air freshener has stopped working. It doesn't make scents.

I was on safari last year. went round a bend and suddenly found myself walking behind a bunch of lions. I was terrified, but my mate with me said: "Don't worry: it's just proof that pride comes before a fool."

Cooked with herbs last night; must have rubbed my eyes as I've woken up parsley sighted.

My wife cut the bottom off one of my trouser legs and left it in the local library. I thought: "Now there’s a turn-up for the books."

I’m waiting to see the first bicycle made from recycled plastic!

Our car only starts only every other day .... but at least the alternator works ......

Not a lot of people know this, but the Old Testament was originally called The Testament.

Caused a bit of confusion today: went into an antique shop and asked: "What's new?"

I love Morrocan food: it's so moorish!

Boss: "You can't paint, do plumbing or carpentry; how can you be a handyman??"

Me: "Well, I live just around the corner; isn't that handy enough?"

Massive congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden for being voted chairman of the budgerigar appreciation society.

There's this non stop ticking sound coming from the street I live in ... I think it could be the neighborhood watch.

So I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano. I think it was an orchestrated attack.

Feel sorry for the Hall family. Don't know what they've done wrong, but everyone wants to Deck them for some reason .....

I recently called an estate agent about a house I’d seen advertised. I asked the agent if it had a cellar, to which he replied:
“Of course - that’s why it’s up for sale.”

100

I was charged £30 for 8 legs of venison for Xmas. Do you think that's two dear ?