Puns & One-Liners

1	A cannibal was very late to a tribal feast. As he looked sadly at the bare tables, the cook explained:"There's nothing left; everybody's eaten."
2	Aldi are stocking a range of Humpty Dumpty toys for Christmas. They come with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men.
3	A thief broke into my house and stole my change jar; now I’m penniless.	RETURN
4	Apparently the judge has a bad stutter so that thief is still awaiting a sentence.
5	Apparently the man who fell out of the nightclub window was not a bouncer …
6	ATTENTION!! A roll of $100 bills with a rubber band around it was found in the Walmart parking lot. If it's yours, please contact me to reclaim your rubber band.
7	Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATM's filled. This is the 5th one I've been to today, that says 'Insufficient Funds.'
8	Bike sales go in cycles.
9	Better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
10	BRAKING NEWS: Lada are recalling thousands of cars because of faulty discs.
11	But before the floods came, Noah was really undecided about whether or not to include bees with the rest of the animals. For weeks on end he could be heard late at night wandering around the ark repeating to himself: "To bee or not to bee, that is the question."
12	Circuit-breaker salesmen make offers you can’t refuse.
13	Darts is actually a very dangerous game: players regularly lose legs ......
14	Did you hear that German auto makers are finally going to cater to the Cowboy western population? Coming in 2024 - the Audi Partner.
15	Do you ever just wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad that you're alive? I just did that, and apparently I'm not allowed on the bus anymore.......
16	Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley … Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
17	Finally got that trench dug, thanks to a last-ditch effort.
18	Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the circus, a spokesman said: "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
19	He was given the longest-possible sentence for his hideous crime, but it took a week to read out in court .....
20	He was killed by a hippo while rowing a boat. He was actually a very good swimmer, but the hippo caught him by rowing really fast.
21	How many ears did Davy Crockett have? A left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier .....
22	Husband yells into the phone: "How would I know, I'm not a weatherman!" His wife asks him: "What's that all about?" He says: "Some guy asking if the coast is clear."
23	I asked a woman in the shop what was the best way to remove kitchen grease. She said: "Amonia cleaner." I said: "Well, you should know then, shouldn't you?"
24	I discovered a cure for amnesia, but I forgot what it was before I could treat myself with it.
25	I got a puncture this morning and fixed it with superglue .... Now I'm stuck in traffic!
26	I got so drunk last night, when I got home I fixed a dartboard to the ceiling. I spent the rest of the night throwing up.
27	I heard an older lady telling some children about some boats that used to sail between France and England. The kids just laughed and said: “Gran, we’re too old for ferry stories.”
28	I just got offered a job as a telemarketer; I think I’ve found my true calling.
29	I knew I shouldn't have made my password "amnesia"; I can never remember the damned thing .....
30	I left some Quorn behind at the supermarket, so I went back and asked at reception: "I don't suppose you have seen my vegetarian mince?" A guy replied: "No, but walk up and down a bit and I'll give you an honest opinion."
31	I like eating my kids and not using punctuation.
32	If you tickle someone to death is it manslaughter?
33	I'm currently top of the leaderboard for predicting certain types of weather at my local pub. I'm the raining champ.
34	I’m writing a new musical about a builder that rips everyone off. It’s called "The Roofer on the Fiddle."
35	I married my wife for her looks, but not the one's she's been giving me lately.
36	I once saw an elephant in my pyjamas, but how he got into my pyjamas on I'll never know.
37	*I paid £10 to see a rubbish Spanish magician. He said: "Uno dos poof.", then disappeared without a tres.*
38	I passed an AA man in a lay-by today, slumped over the wheel and sobbing his heart out. I thought, he's heading for a breakdown.
39	I quit my job as a butler in a stately home: I didn't like being spoken to in that Manor.
40	I saw a man slumped over a lawnmower crying his eyes out. He said he'd be fine; just going through a rough patch.
41	I spent 3 months in Antarctica in complete ice-olation.
42	I used to teach origami, but I got fed up with the paperwork.
43	I was at the airport with my husband when he passed out on the luggage carousel. I shouted out in panic to an airport operative: Don't worry, she said. "He'll come around in a minute ....."
44	I was hopeless at campanalogy until someone showed me the ropes.
45	I was on safari last year. went round a bend and suddenly found myself walking behind a bunch of lions. I was terrified, but my mate with me said: "Don't worry: it's just proof that pride comes before a fool."
46	I went for meal with a load of electricians last night. None of them wanted starters they just went straight for the mains.
47	I went on Trip Advisor today, it said: "Avoid uneven paving stones".
48	I went to a Fancy Dress party dressed as a Giraffe. I didn’t win a prize, but I still left with my head held high.
49	I went to a life drawing class to paint a model in the nude but the teacher made me put my clothes back on.
50	I’ve got a job in a salt and pepper factory. It pays quite well, but it's only seasonal work ....
51	It is a little known fact that Noah took bees with him on the Ark. We know this because of the archives discovered ...
52	It's great being a bellringer because you always know for whom the bell tolls. I was lucky to get the job in fact: it usually takes a lot of pull .....
53	I was in the pub last night and I asked the barman for a glass of orange. He paused a second, then said: "Still orange?" I said: "Yes, I haven't changed my mind!"
54	I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that if it crashes, it bounces. It's called a Boing 24/7.
55	I've managed to conker my fear of walking under horse-chestnut trees.
56	I've taught my dog to beg: yesterday he came home with £138.50.
57	Just because I was argumentative when my claim for having a degree in palindromes was disbelieved, I have been nicknamed Dr Awkward.
58	My best friend is a stuntman; he’s crashing at my place tonight.
59	My doctor found my arm humerus.
60	My door is alarmed after 5pm. Before that it's just generally anxious.
61	My favourite song about an allergy is by Peter, Pollen & Mary.
62	My friend asked me why I was painting a picture of my bookcase. I told her it was a shelf-portrait.
63	My friend has gone right off me since I put on weight. Turns out he’s glutton intolerant.
64	My husband asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list; now I can't read it.
65	My local vet’s expensive, but he likes cephalopods so much that he’s not charging much to treat any octopus. Just six quid.
66	My wife accused me of cheating on her with a girl from Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales. How could she say such a thing?
67	My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
68	Not a lot of people know this, but the Swiss have always loved their particular form of bowling. Even William Tell and his Missus are known to have been a fanatical bowlers. Unfortunately, all the records were lost in an avalanche, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
69	Nothing succeeds like a toothless budgie.
70	My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle ... strange name, but she tortoise well.
71	People are shocked when they discover that I'm not a very good electrician.
72	Police are looking for a stationery vehicle after a load of office supplies were dumped by the roadside
73	Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing .....
74	'Push' and 'pull': two little words that have opened a lot of doors for me.
75	Removing a snail's shell just makes them sluggish.
76	Research shows that people in Qatar don’t watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do.
77	So my mate just said to me: “You’ve put a lot of weight on.” I said: "I’ve had a lot on my plate recently."
78	Interviewer: "So, how do you explain this 4 year gap in your CV?" Me: "That's when I went to Yale." Interviewer: "That's very impressive. You're hired. And what was your name again?" Me: "Thanks a lot. I really needed this Yob - and my name is Yackson."
79	Sometimes at work, I like to run around with a hammer in my hand, yelling: "ATTENTION EVERYBODY, THIS IS NOT A DRILL."
80	The editor of The Independent has refused to reveal whether he puts ketchup on his burgers, stating that a journalist never reveals his sauces.
81	The guy who came round to decorate my stairs was an ex pilot. He made an excellent job of the landing.
82	The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
83	The Nigerians designed a plane especially for carrying-witch-doctors. They called it a Mumbo-Jumbo jet.
84	The police are onto me for bursting people's inflatables. I may have to lilo for a while!
85	The problem with returning after being abducted by a UFO is that afterwards you feel so alienated ...
86	This nightclub bouncer fell out of a 56th floor window and didn't bounce at all. The police were mystified.
87	Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm. Police are looking for a gang of poachers.
88	Took my magicians' exam today, which I duly failed: too many trick questions.
89	Tracy is chatting to Brenda at the washeteria: "You dating anyone at the moment?" "Nah - giving it a rest for a while." "Know what you mean. I've been through the menopause, too - more than once actually."
90	Two master criminals called Kurt and Rod were caught hanging from a window ....
91	Very excited about the upcoming new film ' The Tractor '. It looks brilliant if the trailer is anything to go by.
92	Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
93	"Waiter, what are these? They're disgusting." "They're olives, Sir. " I didn't ask WHOSE they were; just WHAT they are!"
94	What did the Vicar always mutter to himself when he went out to water his tomatoes? "Let us spray ....."
95	What is the colour of wind? BLEW!
96	What's the most popular name for a fisherman's wife? Annette.
97	When you're in love with the farmer's daughter you have to do something to a tractor.
98	Whoever decided to call them dentures really missed the opportunity to use the word substitooths.
99	Will a speaking watch be a success? Only time will tell.
100	You can make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water.