Kids .......

'This is the scene', said the teacher.

'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the noise, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'

A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'

Teacher's Magnetism

Mrs Mollard had been giving her second-grade students a lesson in science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and Mrs Mollard asked, 'My name begins with the letter "M" and I pick up things. What am I?'

Tim, a little boy in the front row proudly said, 'You're a mother!'

Being Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

A Question of Physics

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

'Why do we have to learn this stuff?' one young man blurted out.

'To save lives,' the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. 'So how does physics save lives?'

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor concluded, 'Physics saves lives,' he said, 'because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.'

 What Happened to Jonah?

Jane was talking to Mrs Darby, her teacher, about whales. Mrs Darby said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Jane girl stated quite clearly that the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, Mrs Darby reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

Finally, Jane murmured, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah, myself.'

Mrs Darby continued, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

Very smartly Jane replied, 'Then you can ask him.'

Most Wanted

Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Ronnie asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

Face Cream

One day before school, Little Susie watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' she asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Susie. 'Are you giving up?'

Tomato Ketchup

Moira was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle. As she was trying the phone rang and her 4 year old daughter, Louise, answered it saying, 'Sorry, mummy can't come to the phone at the moment because she's hitting the bottle.'

The Dog and the Homework

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

Not going to have babies

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Papa In The Well

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.

Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving.

"He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Goldfish Died

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Teenage Driver

My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."