I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herbie. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said: "Kenwood".
I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me: "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said: "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said: "You're closest."

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said: "Eurostar?".
I said: "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out 'The Elephant Man?'"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor; 'I've got a bad back. '
The doctor said, 'It's old age.'
The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says; 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said: 'I haven't seen you in a long time'.
The man replied, 'I know; I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said: 'Well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ' Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the Doctor's the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind', so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctor's the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.'
So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'.

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a mixer.'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'?
I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them: 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die .....'

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.

I said to my baker: "Why is that cake 50p but the other is a £1?"
He said: "That’s Madeira cake."