QUICKIES

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,  marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the look of your wife at all. "Me neither Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute ..... "
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

MOE: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
JOE: Really?"
MOE: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking .... Scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Judge to Prostitute:"So when did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player." "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

Sign seen on back of bomb squad member's shirt:
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A teenage boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. 
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, "Wimbledon."

Husband gets naked & asks wife, "What turns you on more, my handsome face or my sexy body?"
Wife looks him up & down and replies, "Your sense of humour!"

I got caught stealing things in Waitrose this morning while balanced on the shoulders of two vampires......I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A guy was playing 'Dancing Queen' on a didgeridoo outside the pub yesterday...I thought, 'That's Aboriginal!'

I went to buy a watch yesterday, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" ....I said, "No, just the watch!"

I bought some Armageddon cheese this morning at the Stroud farmers' Market. On the packet it said, "Best before End!"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke on the phone just went on and on...

I went to the train station today and asked for two tickets to France. The ticket seller said "Eurostar?"
I said, "Well, I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin!

I was reading a book today..."The History of Glue".... couldn't put it down.

Someone dumped a parrot on Poirot to look after for a few days. Hastings came around and started talking to the parrot, feeding it bread and so on.
Poirot said: "Stop fraternizing with that creature; I'm still training him."
Hastings said: "Come on Poirot! It's only a parrot!"
... and Poirot said: "I was talking to the parrot ....."