More One-Liners - sent to me by Jim Beverley!!

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13^th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing  a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.    

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said: "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said: "You're obviously not f--k--g listening." 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you." She said: "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It’s me talking to the beer."    

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.     

I always thought Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.

I've just fallen down the stairs carrying a tin of paint. It's OK, I'm not really hurt - just a bit emulsional.