One-Liners - from Tim Vine and others (some already on this site somewhere, and many sound like Tommy Cooper ...... RIP)

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"I was reading this book today, "The History Of Glue" - couldn't put it down."

Two oranges walk into a bar, one of them says to the other; 'You're round.'

Tony Blair has been killed by a calculator thrown out of an office window...
It was a weapon of maths deduction.

Last night I dreamed I wrote "Lord of the Rings" ... I must have been Tolkein in my sleep.

Sorry I'm late but I broke down on the way here ... couldn't help it I just started crying in the car!

I was going to give up flashing. But now I've decided to stick it out for a bit longer.

The baker keeps sitting on his own produce, but don't stop him now .... he's on a roll.

Filling a jumbo jet with madmen?... that's plane lunacy!

Those sailors haven't got far with the alphabet engraving. They're all at C.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Is there anything Freudian about driving backwards? Careful, that could be reverse psychology.

Chicken talent shows? Yes, I love the Eggs Factor.

"...I was christened with a flamethrower - it was a baptism of fire. The priest was dressed as a gorilla - that was a blessing in disguise..."

Two Afghans tried to open a waxwork museum in Kabul but eventually had to give up - they simply couldn't make a prophet.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What's "Bob" short for? Cos he's only got little legs, of course!!

I rang up a local building firm, I said: "I want a skip outside my house." He said: "I'm not stopping you."

My mate asked me; "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said: "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?"

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said: 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said: 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said: "Say Aaah." I said: "Why?" He said: "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought: 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said: 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said: 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said: 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said: 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said: 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags; he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought: 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said: "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said: "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?"
I said: "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said: "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright," I said: "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow."

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he's a catholic converter.

You invented Tipp Ex; correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood?"
I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop.
I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest."

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar; it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
I said "How about 'Another 48 Hours'?"
He said "Tomorrow!"