| Names |  |
Sir – My wife looks after the finances of our church. She always likes receiving the gas bill as it is addressed to, “The Treasure, St Pancras Church”. On the other hand, I once ordered some goods from an educational supplier when I was an assistant teacher. They duly arrived addressed to, “Mr M Darby, Ass in maths department”.
Mike Darby, Chichester
Sir – My father recalls a quick-witted friend being introduced to a Mr Colgate. “Did you come by Tube?” he asked.
I am sure people with such names must grow very weary of these endless jests.
Will Twidale, Stoke Mandeville, Buckinghamshire
Sir – I commanded a Royal Navy tug attached to the Hong Kong Squadron for anti-illegal immigration operations. In my crew I had a Royal Navy electrician named Wight and a Chinese engineer called Wong.
I placed them standing either side of the wheel, pulling in opposite directions, and captioned the photograph, “Wight and Wong in Tug of War”.
Charles Addis, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk
Sir – I once looked after a family whose surname was “Fortune”. The unmarried daughter was never overjoyed to be addressed as “Miss Fortune”.
Dr Gabriel Jaffe, Bournemouth
Sir – When I was seven months pregnant I went to collect some iron pills. “Mrs Tyreman?” asked the pharmacist. I must have looked more like a Michelin Man than I thought.
Jane Tiernan, Whyteleafe, Surrey
Sir – Our dentist is called Mr Au.
C. F. Moore, Hythe, Kent
Sir – My husband and I were somewhat surprised to find our recent Lufthansa flight listed as leaving Frankfurt for “London Deathrow”.
Fortunately we landed safely, and on time.
Barbara Mills, Harpenden, Hertfordshire
Sir – When my surname is mispronounced, I remind the speaker that I keep him warm, I do not support his wife.
Murray Brazier, Chelmsford, Essex
Sir – Senator Joe McCarthy once addressed Alice Roosevelt Longworth, the daughter of President Theodore Roosevelt, by her first name.
I treasure her reply: “Senator McCarthy, my gardener may call me Alice, all New York taxi drivers may call me Alice, the policeman and the trashman may call me Alice, but you may call me Mrs Longworth.”
Lee Hines Kilcot, Gloucestershire
______________________________________________
From: Thompson, Ian R
Sent: 29 July 2008 11:03
To: Hunt, Paris C; Kane, John P; Tailor, Ian; Alcaraz, Carlos D
Subject: Fun with surnames - recent letter topic in the Daily Telegraph (started out with first names)
Sir – The gratuitous use of first names has got out of control (Letters, July 11). Television and radio commentators, politicians and civil servants refer to each other by first names, often to the confusion of audiences.
In some schools, pupils call teachers by first name. Most offensively, nurses address elderly patients by first name. And while on the subject of respect, what happened to policemen saluting the Prime Minister and visiting dignitaries arriving and leaving Number 10?
John Maxwell, Great Barton, Suffolk
Sir – When on the telephone with utility companies, I always spell out my surname using the phonetic alphabet: Bravo, Yankee, Romeo, Alpha, Mike. The other day, when asked for my initial, I answered, "R for Romeo". For the rest of a long discussion, I was referred to as Romeo.
What if my name had been John, and I had said: "J for Juliet"?
Reggie Byram, Elland, West Yorkshire
Sir – For many years, when I received letters from government departments concerning tax matters, the custom was for the officer to sign the letter under the line "Your obedient servant".
Richard Johnson, Cliviger, Lancashire
Sir – I recently telephoned my bank. The call centre operative asked "Is it alright if I call you Neville today?". "Yes," I replied. The operative continued: "Thanks, mate."
Neville Welsh-Smyth, Basingstoke, Hampshire
Sir – The fixation with using first names (Letters, July 16) has spread to the family. No longer do my teenage and early twenties nephews call me “Uncle Paul”.
Why should the distinctive character of my extended family be watered down by homogenising informality?
Rev Paul Burt, Winchester
Sir – Recently I rang the council to apply for a bus pass, giving my name as: “Mrs Anne (with an e) Larr.” I was surprised when the application form duly arrived addressed to: “Mrs A Witherney-Larr.”
Anne Larr, North Crawley, Buckinghamshire
Sir – When helping friends with computer problems, I often have to ring Indian call centres who invariably ask for my first name.
I say “Doctor”, which works every time.
Dr Robin Hendy, Canterbury
Sir – I was once stopped for a traffic violation in the US.
The policeman asked if he could use my first name, which made the situation less threatening.
Brian Armstrong, Dhahran, Saudi Arabia
Sir – My late father always finished his communication with any government department with the words: “You are, Dear Sir, my obedient servant.”
Peter Collings, Ringstead, Northamptonshire
Sir – Recently I was spelling out my email address over the telephone (Letters, July 16). Unfortunately the person at the other end got very confused and had a lot of trouble understanding what I was saying.
So when it came to the eleventh letter of my email address, the letter “S”, I could not stop myself saying “S for stupid”.
Bill O’Connor, Leigh-on-Sea, Essex
Sir – When asked for my name on the telephone, I always reply, “My surname is Polish and, as it is rather complicated, I will spell it for you.” The reply I often receive is: “Thank you, Mr Polish.”
Alex Kwiatkowski, Brighton, East Sussex
Sir – At our annual school-leavers’ lunch at the end of this summer term, one of my new clutch of former pupils came up to me and asked: “Sir, what do we call you now we have left St Mary’s?
“Sir,” I replied.
“Oh,” came the crestfallen reply.
John Brett, Headmaster, St. Mary's School, Melrose, Roxburghshire
Sir – Not all organisations use first names to engender a false sense of friendliness (Letters, July 18). Old-fashioned courtesy was mixed with modern telephone technique when I called BT in an angry mood last Saturday.
The cheery gentleman in India asked my name to verify my account details. “Nuttall,” I barked. He replied, disarmingly: “Firstly, may I say what a very nice name you have, Mr Nuttall. Now let’s sort out your problem.”
Tim Nuttall, Rossendale, Lancashire
Sir – Whenever I spell out my surname I invariably hear: “Thank you, Mr Christian.”
Ganesh Krishnan, Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States
Sir – Before retiring as an insolvency practitioner, I often received letters addressed to “Dear Mr Liquidator”. When I read today’s news I sometimes wish I had such power.
John Jacklin, Tockholes, Lancashire
Sir – A voice on the telephone once sighed and asked me how to spell hyphen.
Jenny Selby-Green, Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire
Sir – Whenever I am asked to state my name, the questioner asks: “Is that with a W?” I have never met anyone who spells Wright differently.
Kevin Wright, Harlow, Essex
Sir – I have received a letter from my alumni association which addressed me as “Dear Mr Cbe.”
Cliff Michelmore CBE, South Harting, West Sussex
I shared an office with a Mr Mudd and a Mr Secrett. The rest of us enjoyed overhearing phone conversations commencing, “My name’s Mudd” or “My name’s Secrett” (Letters, July 19).
T. A. Willetts, Kelsall, Cheshire
Identifying myself abroad has occasionally elicited the response: “Thank you, but who are you?”
Frank Yule, Eastbourne, East Sussex
My late brother-in-law, George William, 11th Earl of Coventry, was frequently addressed as Mr Earl on letters and when handing over his credit card.
Suzanne Lyons, Barnstaple, Devon
As a variation of the question asked of Kevin Wright regarding his surname (Letters, July 19), I am often asked, “Is that with a 'w’ or an 'r’?” Logic and veracity compel me to reply, “Both.”
Esmond Wright, Camberley, Surrey
I sympathise with Mr Wright. Even after spelling my name on the telephone, letters often come addressed “Mr Wrang”.
Harry Rang, Newcastle
Mr Wright ought not to be surprised at being asked whether his name is “with a 'w’ ”. His questioners are hoping they might have met the elusive Mr Right.
Neil Ross, Burnaston, Derby
Sir – When my late mother worked at the De Havilland Aircraft Company she had a boss called Mr Speke. When his telephone rang, he answered it by saying, “Speke”.
Richard Nixon, Aston Clinton, Buckinghamshire
Sir – While hopeful women in call centres might search for the elusive Mr Right (Letters, July 22), I once received a letter that took flattery and adoration a step too far.
It was addressed to “Christ Heavens”.
Iwan Price-Evans, Enfield, Hertfordshire
Sir – When I got married 38 years ago we needed a new shelf for our fridge. I was much amused by the label on the parcel which I’ve kept.
It was addressed to, “The Revd John of Cleves”.
Rev John Cleaver, Teddington, Middlesex
Sir – My husband once received a letter from Savills, the land agents, beginning, “Dear Earlperson”.
Countess of Harewood, Harewood, Yorkshire
Sir – As a youngster, I picked up my father’s habit of stating, “Conquest as in Norman”. Nowadays I find it increasingly rare to find people who have a clue what I am talking about.
Peter Conquest, Stevington, Bedfordshire
Sir – Are young NHS staff trained to use Christian names? Several elderly patients have suggested to me this is the case.
It definitely didn’t make them feel better, though it did make them glad to leave hospital.
Marquess of Ailesbury, Marlborough, Wiltshire
Sir – When I set up an internet account and volunteered that my name was “Wright with a 'W’” the lady assured me that this she already knew. I am now stuck with the email address “markwrite”, with all correspondence addressed to Mr Write. Thank you, BT, for adding a new twist to this old word game.
Mark Wright, Tetbury, Gloucestershire
Sir – Not only is my surname consistently spelt incorrectly (Letters, July 23), but I would also like to point out that I do not know where Miss Moneypenny is, my wife is not called Pussy Galore and yes, I know, Sean Connery is your favourite Bond.
Roger Moor, London, NW9
Sir – As a young switchboard operator, I loved putting calls through to my deputy manager, Mr Still, who would answer his extension with the immortal words, “Still here”.
Liz Tovey, Malvern, Worcestershire
Sir – I am regularly addressed as Adam Death or Adam Health. As I am a funeral director by trade, the former seems appropriate, while the latter does not.
Adam Heath, Sheffield
Sir – I sympathise with Peter Conquest (Letters, July 23). When giving my name on the telephone, I have stopped trying to assist by saying “as in the House of…” because young people, in particular, have no idea what I am trying to say.
Steve Commons, Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire
Sir – An old maths teacher of mine, Miss Cousins, was amused by a letter that started, “Dear Miss Cosine”.
Esther Ruscoe, Guildford, Surrey
Sir – On my first day in a new job in Ottawa, Canada, I answered the telephone with “French speaking”. Needless to say, the reply was in French.
Brian French, Chester-le-Street, County Durham
Sir – It fills me with dismay that I am asked to spell my name while ordering interval drinks at concerts at Birmingham’s Symphony Hall.
J.J. Purcell, Halesowen, West Midlands
Sir – While waiting at Heathrow, an acquaintance heard a loudspeaker message for a Mr Bart (Letters, July 24).
After it was repeated, he thought to check if it was for him, which, indeed, it was. He is a baronet.
Arthur Monk Weymouth, Dorset
Sir – On my first week as a civilian scientist employed by the Army, I received a letter from Cdr J. Bond RN.
Disappointingly, the “J” turned out to be for Jeffrey.
Dr David Swift, Fovant, Wiltshire
Sir – Dr Cross, a former fellow of my old Oxford college, used to pick up the telephone and say: “Cross of Jesus here.”
Rev Roger Holmes York
Sir – I corrected BT’s spelling of my surname as Stephens. My next bill was addressed to “Mr Stephen Noess”.
John Stephen London NW8
Sir – My electricity bill always arrives addressed to “St Richard”. It seems I am being given heavenly power.
Lt Gen Sir Richard Vickers Dorchester, Dorset
Sir - I once had to call a Mr Knot. The reply “Knot here” led to a little temporary bewilderment.
Una Alkin Dublin
Sir – Some years ago I received a letter with a French stamp and postmark with a typewritten address to: “Monsieur le Maire, Leamington Spa, Angleterre”.
This had been crossed out at the Post Office and a pencilled note said: “Try 8 Cloister Way”. I forwarded it to a grateful mayor at the Town Hall.
Oliver le Maistre, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire
Sir – We sympathise with Mr Conquest (Letters, July 23) as when giving our name we are asked, “Like the car?” and reply, “No, like the hut”.
Only those of a certain age have a clue what we are talking about.
Karen Nissen, London SW6
Sir – When giving my name on the telephone, I too have stopped trying to assist, by saying “as in Cider with”. I always had to spend several minutes explaining that I was not proposing a quick one in the nearest hostelry.
Peter Rosie Ringwood, Hampshire
Sir – Trying to be helpful when on the telephone, I spell out my surname using the phonetic alphabet. It was only a matter of time until I received correspondence addressed to “Mr Charlie Alpha Romeo Romeo”.
M.A. Carr, Saxmundham, Suffolkk
Sir – My grandfather Foster Pickles, a lecturer at Leeds University, shared a study with a Mr Onions. The name plate on their door said “Pickles and Onions”.
Susan Grimshaw, Maidenhead, Berkshire
Sir – When I was at Harrow school, the bursar was a Brigadier Knott who always answered the telephone with the words “Knott here”.
Richard de Robeck, Sebergham, Cumbria
Sir – I once worked with a man called Peter Carnt. He answered the telephone: “Carnt here”, with the obvious result.
Douglas Hamilton, Porthmadog, Gwynedd
Sir – David Coe, a colleague in a firm of chartered accountants in the City, would answer calls with the greeting, “Moore, Stephens & Co – Coe speaking”.
Andrew Jackson, Penshurst Kent
Sir – For worldwide recognition, “Potter as in Harry” never fails.
R.V. and M. Potter, Oundle, Northants
Sir – We’ve had Rinkwater, Dinkwater, Dunkwisiter and even Stringquartet (Letters, July 26).
It’s no wonder our daughter never gave her surname to taxi firms, and especially not to Indian takeaways.
Gillian Drinkwater, Sheffield
Sir – One of my former colleagues, John Winter, used to answer the telephone, “Winter ’ere”. Someone once replied: “Yes, rough weather, isn’t it?”
Peter Noble, Poundbury, Dorset
Sir – It was a shock to be asked to spell the rather unambiguous “Tim” on one occasion. Assuming the operative would see the joke, I rather flippantly said, “'T’, 'I’, '3’, 'M’. The '3’ is silent.” I still get junk mail to “Ti3m Lee”.
Tim Lee, Cardiff
Sir – Please excuse my lack of sympathy for those complaining about receiving letters under the wrong name.
Working for a company with 14 people of the same name, I have to place great emphasis on my “G” to stand any chance of receipt.
My forthcoming son or daughter can rest assured that he or she will have an abundance of middle names.
Mark G. Smith, Shanghai, China
Sir – We used to have two fire wardens on each floor at the Bank of England. Ours were called Sparkes and Roast.
Chris Cleland, Farnham, Surrey
Sir – In a Royal Marines barracks a few years ago, Drum Major Knox and Bugle Major Waite shared an office.
It is not difficult to appreciate what the sign on their door read.
Alastair Donald, Horndean, Hampshire
Sir – The priest conducting our wedding service over 40 years ago was Father Bliss. The rector of the local church we now attend is Rev Paradise.
We consider ourselves fortunate.
Geraldine Guthrie, East Horsley, Surrey
Sir – I am often addressed as “Mrs St Royan”.
Lady Henrietta Stroyan Gilling, West, North Yorkshire
Sir – The UK Border Agency’s desks at Bristol Airport are all emblazoned with the message, “Wait here until called forward”.
May I go to the front of the horrendously long queues?
Richard Forward, Sherborne, Dorset
Sir – Imagine my shock yesterday to wake up and hear Lord Archer was on fire. It was only on gaining full consciousness that I eventually realised Weston-super-Mare has more than one pier/peer.
Jonathan Manners, London SW1