MY WIFE

Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?   After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven ...
 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, 'I haven't eaten anything in four days.' She looked at him and said, 'God, I wish I had your willpower.'
 
Young Son: 'Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad: 'That happens in every country, son.'