Modern Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  ~ John Glenn 

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said: 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.  ~ Desmond Tutu 

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.  ~ David Letterman 

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.  ~ Italian proverb 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.  ~ Betsy Salkind 

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  ~ Jean Kerr 
 
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor 

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.  ~ Jeff Foxworthy 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.  ~ Prince Philip 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.  ~ Emo Philips. 

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.  ~ Harrison Ford 

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.  ~ Spike Milligan 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.  ~ Robin Hall 

Kill one man and you're a murderer; kill a million and you're a conqueror.  ~ Jean Rostand. 

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.  ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.  ~ WH Auden

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.  ~ Arthur C Clarke 

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.  ~ Jimmy Durante 

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.  ~ Doug Hamwell 
 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.  ~ George Roberts 

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport  ~ Jonathan Winters 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I just take something for it.  ~ Robert Benchley