Modern Maths Tests for Changing Times

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name: _______________________

Nickname: ________________________

Gang Name: ________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets whacked?


MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name: _______________________ (If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School: ______________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company: _______________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji
and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutantes, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

MATHS FOR PUBLIC SCHOOL PUPILS INTENDING A CAREER IN POLITICS

A) If with enormous fanfare of publicity we reduce the number of civil servants in department X by y% but with great stealth simultaneously increase them by y*10/100y in Z department how much extra public money can we waste without the public actually realizing it?

B) If we promise to hold income tax at X% but increase all other taxes by y% (though without actually mentioning that in advance) then how much extra (see above).

C) If X number of disgraced former ministers returning from Brussels are paid their Brussels salary-the new salary pittance in the Lords and taxed at only 26% on the result instead of the 40% that actual workers have to pay in the real world then how much will stealth taxes have to rise to pay for this?

D) What is the net effect of A) enticing X% more Russian oligarchs to Britain by perpetuating the appallingly-lax fiscal regime for billionaires with their tax-havens in Leichtenstein while B) Y number of Afghan refugees with 7 children are housed in "buy-to-let" detached homes in London at £12,500 per month?

E) If the national debt is doubled to bail out FatCat city bankers then how much extra debt will each Briton now have to support on top of the existing millions?

Supplementary question for advanced students only: What will be the effect on the above result of a) inflation at 8% b) unemployment at 12%? and c) interest rates at 14%? d) all the above combined?