I wish I'd said that!

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'
-- Clarence Darrow
 
'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.'
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.'
 -- Groucho Marx

'Mr Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed, he has much to be modest about."
 -- Winston Churchill
 
'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.'
 -- Mark Twain
 
'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'
 -- Oscar Wilde
 
'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.. . . If you have one.'
 -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 
 
 . . . followed by
 
Churchill's response: 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.'
 -- Winston Churchill
 
'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.'
-- Stephen Bishop 
 
'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'
 -- John Bright
 
'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'
 -- Irvin S. Cobb
 
'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
 -- Samuel Johnson
 
'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.'
 -- Paul Keating
 
'He had delusions of adequacy.'
 -- Walter Kerr
 
'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?'
 -- Mark Twain
 
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.'
 -- Mae West
 
'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'
-- Oscar Wilde
 
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, 
'Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!'
Winston replied, 'Madam if I were your husband, I would drink it!'

Lady Astor looked at Churchill and said, 'Sir, you are drunk!'
He replied, 'And Madam, you are ugly. At least in the morning I'll be sober.'

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be   dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but by then, everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller