Edinburgh Fringe Miscellany
2022
Masai Graham "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."
Mark Simmons "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery."
Will Duggan "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days."
Tim Vine "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery."
Richard Pulsford "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx."
Will Mars "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person."
Hannah Fairweather "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family."
Olaf Falafel "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock."
"I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back."

 

2017

 Ken Cheng "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
Alexei Sayle "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?"
Lew Fitz

"I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her."

Adam Hess "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark."
Angela Barnes "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event."
Alasdair Beckett-King "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"'
Olaf Falafel "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine."
Andy Field "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated."

 

2016

 Mark Watson "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10." -
Mark Smith "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed - which is mad because those places are really well lit."
Arthur Smith "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer."
Annie McGrath "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?"
Gary Delaney "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words."
Tiff Stevenson "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated."
Masai Graham "My dad suggested I register for a donor card - he's a man after my own heart."
Leo Kearse "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
Olaf Falafel "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed."
Laura Lexx "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time."
Leo Kearse "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring."
Frankie Boyle "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book."
Adele Cliff "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor."
Darren Walsh "What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse? Abba trois."

 

2015

 Darren Walsh "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's now completely Hans free."
Dan Antopolski "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
Adam Hills "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
Jack Whitehall "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
Paddy Lennox "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
2014
 Tim Vine

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."

Ria Lina "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me."

2010

 Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."