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"Sorry I'm late," I said as I arrived back home. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tescos."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it and had to wait until he gave up looking ......"
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I saw a sign in a shop: 'Mosquito nets £25.' I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery. |
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I just spent £250 hiring a limo - turns out, the driver's not included!!
I've shelled out all that money and nothing to chauffeur it! |
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I've got a new job visiting schools to promote the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness. |
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My wife says I should become an archaeologist due to my natural ability to constantly dig up the past. |
6 |
The man who fell off the bridge in Paris was found to be in Seine whilst the man who fell off a bridge in Egypt was in denial. |
7 |
I paid $29.95 for the book "Everything you need to know about online scams" back in June, but it still hasn't arrived. |
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At breakfast, where Jimmy is chattering endlessly.
Jimmy: "Dad, what's a forklift?"
Dad: "Food usually. You should try it."
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My brother got fired from the rubber band factory. He’s surprisingly calm, and assures me that he’ll bounce back. |
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Is a female lumberjack a lumberjill? And what about steeplejacks? |
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I went for a job interview to be an ice-cream man: didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes. |
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I've just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
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UAE don't have a cricket team but Abu Dhabi do.
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A sock puppet is accused of being involved in a major crime. Police suspect someone else had a hand in it.
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Quasimodo? Mmmm That name rings a bell.
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If Minnie Driver had been born in the Netherlands, would she have been Minnie Van Driver?
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I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.
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When I first heard Julie Andrews sing: "Doh, Re, Mi."
.... I thought she’ll go far. |
19 |
It's a lovely crisp winter's morning:
I've had three packets already! |
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My German friend Dieter has lost a lot of weight. |
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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her bedroom drawers and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid'
s outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
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Wife: "I'd like to donate this bag of clothes to the charity shop."
Husband: "Why don't you just throw it in the bin & save all the hassle?"
Wife: "But there are poor & starving people who could use these."
Husband: "Trust me - they are not starving if they can fit into your clothes."
The funeral is next Saturday .......
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I crossed a homing pigeon with a magpie.
I've now got a house full of stolen jewellery. |
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Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's now a melon collie. |
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I said to my doctor: "I've got a problem with the hearing in my left ear. "
He said: "Are you sure it's your left one?"
I said: "Yes, I'm definite."
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I went house-hunting this morning - I shot two bungalows and a semi detached …..
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I asked my parents if I had been adopted. They said: "Not yet, but we live in hope."
My sister asked the same question and they said: "Yes, but they brought you back ....." |
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My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery: he was in charge of the hops. |
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I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing-gum -
just need help getting it off the ground. |
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I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander. |
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An upholsterer has been badly injured at work. He's still recovering in hospital, and the nurses are getting very cross ..... |
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Just opened a bag of frozen peas, and a few fell out - obviously escapeas. |
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When bees move into a new hive, do they hold a house-swarming party? |
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A man just poked me with a fragrant stick:
I was incensed. |
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The pie baking competition has been delayed due to a false tart. |
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Last night I made a lamb curry, but it seems that they prefer grass. |
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My obese parrot died. I’m sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders. |
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I was watching a James Bond movie & my wife asked me to do some odd jobs,
so I threw my bowler hat at her. |
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I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing gum: just need help getting it off the ground. |
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There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park.
Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant. |
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Thankfully, the bust I ordered of an 18th century composer has arrived safely. The box says 'Handel with Care'.
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Had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house in the bath when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder. |
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As a grown adult, I feel uncomfortable owning up to the fact that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under my duvet. No one will find it now: I've covered my tracks |
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I was such an ugly baby that my Mother used to say: “Don’t call me 'Mum' when other people are about." |
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52 |
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57 |
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59 |
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65 |
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70 |
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100 |
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