"Sorry I'm late," I said as I arrived back home. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tescos."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it and had to wait until he gave up looking ......"
I saw a sign in a shop: 'Mosquito nets £25.' I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery.
I just spent £250 hiring a limo - turns out, the driver's not included!! I've shelled out all that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
I've got a new job visiting schools to promote the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's about raisin awareness.
My wife says I should become an archaeologist due to my natural ability to constantly dig up the past.
The man who fell off the bridge in Paris was found to be in Seine whilst the man who fell off a bridge in Egypt was in denial.
I paid $29.95 for the book "Everything you need to know about online scams" back in June, but it still hasn't arrived.
At breakfast, where Jimmy is chattering endlessly.
Jimmy: "Dad, what's a forklift?"
Dad: "Food usually. You should try it."
My brother got fired from the rubber band factory. He’s surprisingly calm, and assures me that he’ll bounce back.
Is a female lumberjack a lumberjill? And what about steeplejacks?
I went for a job interview to be an ice-cream man: didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.
I've just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
UAE don't have a cricket team but Abu Dhabi do.
A sock puppet is accused of being involved in a major crime. Police suspect someone else had a hand in it.
Quasimodo? Mmmm That name rings a bell.
If Minnie Driver had been born in the Netherlands, would she have been Minnie Van Driver?
I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.
When I first heard Julie Andrews sing: "Doh, Re, Mi." .... I thought she’ll go far.
It's a lovely crisp winter's morning: I've had three packets already!
My German friend Dieter has lost a lot of weight.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her bedroom drawers and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid' s outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
Wife: "I'd like to donate this bag of clothes to the charity shop."
Husband: "Why don't you just throw it in the bin & save all the hassle?"
Wife: "But there are poor & starving people who could use these."
Husband: "Trust me - they are not starving if they can fit into your clothes."
The funeral is next Saturday .......
I crossed a homing pigeon with a magpie. I've now got a house full of stolen jewellery.
Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's now a melon collie.
I said to my doctor: "I've got a problem with the hearing in my left ear. "
He said: "Are you sure it's your left one?"
I said: "Yes, I'm definite."
I went house-hunting this morning - I shot two bungalows and a semi detached …..
I asked my parents if I had been adopted. They said: "Not yet, but we live in hope."
My sister asked the same question and they said: "Yes, but they brought you back ....."
My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery: he was in charge of the hops.
I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing-gum - just need help getting it off the ground.
I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
An upholsterer has been badly injured at work. He's still recovering in hospital, and the nurses are getting very cross .....
Just opened a bag of frozen peas, and a few fell out - obviously escapeas.
When bees move into a new hive, do they hold a house-swarming party?
A man just poked me with a fragrant stick: I was incensed.
The pie baking competition has been delayed due to a false tart.
Last night I made a lamb curry, but it seems that they prefer grass.
My obese parrot died. I’m sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders.
I was watching a James Bond movie & my wife asked me to do some odd jobs, so I threw my bowler hat at her.
I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing gum: just need help getting it off the ground.
There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park. Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.
Thankfully, the bust I ordered of an 18th century composer has arrived safely. The box says 'Handel with Care'.
Had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house in the bath when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder.
As a grown adult, I feel uncomfortable owning up to the fact that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under my duvet. No one will find it now: I've covered my tracks
I was such an ugly baby that my Mother used to say: “Don’t call me 'Mum' when other people are about."
I've always thought Telekinesis quite a moving subject.
The annual football match between the paper-makers and the pencil-factory workers ended in a draw.
Michael J. Fox once told me that plants grow better if they’re exposed to classical music - so now I’m playing Bach to the Fuchsia.
I think awl woodworking puns should be banned.
I want a refund on this winebox box I bought. It says: 'Once opened will last for 6 weeks', but it was empty after 2 days.
So apparently Keith Richards says to Mick Jagger: "Wow, you've got a lot of wrinkles!"
To which Mick replies: "They're laughter lines, not wrinkles."
Richards: "Mate, nothing's that funny!"
TEACHER: "What do we call someone who keeps on talking when nobody is interested?"
CLASS shouts out loud in unison and falls about laughing: "A TEACHER!!"
As schoolboys, we would enjoy knocking chestnuts out of trees and playing the seasonal game of conkers. What I didn’t know was that the game was first played by a historical figure over a thousand years ago: William The Conkerer .....
The University Boat Race started out as a means of settling a dispute between the students of Oxford and Cambridge Universities.
It's one of the earliest modern examples for two groups having a public row.
My son made a replica of a fish in his pottery class at school. It’s a scale model.
In a charity shop I bought a vinyl record called “Sounds Wasps Make”. But when I played it, it sounded nothing like wasps.
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
I'm on holiday in Spain and have had two watches stolen from my hotel room - Adios Omegas .....
I told my wife to get some appropriate gardening boots, but she's digging in her heels.
I received a letter today from the Doctor's that said I am colour-blind. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, but it was right there in front of me in black and white.
I had a very good friend when I was younger, but we fell out during a trip in the bi-plane.
The wife told me to take the spider out rather than killing him, so I did. Went out, had a few drinks and a chat.
Nice guy: turns out he's a web designer.
Apparently the future of the London Marathon is in question due to the increase in running costs.
The chipshop near me still wraps everything in newspaper. Yesterday I had a plaice in "The Sun".
Relationship tip for men: "Tighten the lids on all jars in the house. She’ll have to speak to you eventually."
I couldn't find my allotment yesterday: totally lost the plot.
Youtube, Twitter and Facebook are to merge into a new company called "YouTwitFace" .......
A message of thanks to everyone who helps to re-surface our roads: Tar Very Much.
My dog's always angry; I think he's a crossbreed.
Had to wake my husband up last night. He forgot to take his sleeping tablet!
There have been reports of a robbery at the Agoraphobia Clinic. The Police suspect it was an inside job.
A referendum in Poland has A referendum in Poland has led to the decision that the country will separate into two parts. Following the split, residents will either be known as North Poles or South Poles. Those with residence in both parts will of course be bi-Polar and not Poles apart
I put my landing light on and a plane crashed into my house!
Since it started snowing, the kids have done nothing but stand at the window staring. If it gets much colder I will have to let them back in!
I went to a skincare exhibition today. It was a pore show.
I'm heading to Greenwich later today, but I'm wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?
I've love raisins but they're hard to find at the moment s there's a currant shortage.
The worst part of having an apple addiction is that you can’t see the doctor about it.
I just heard that three cliff walkers have fallen to their death and I thought, what a coincidence all having the same name.
I was always led to believe it’s hot everywhere in South America. But that’s not quite true - parts of it are actually Chile.
Patient: "I suffer from migraines."
Doctor: "Well, stop cooking with barley, oats and wheat then."
I saw some chickens kicking around a dead mouse - naughty birds: always guilty of fowl play.
For anyone looking for a bit of light reading, I’d recommend Thomas Edison’s biography
I looked up at Orion's Belt, and thought: "That's a huge waist of space."
I've just come from the bank, wearing a full-length evening gown.
"Why are you wearing that?" asked the manager.
I said: “You told me to provide proof of a dress!!"
I'm training to be a cycologist; it's great fun learning all about biking.
My mate Shorty once dated a girl who was 6ft 5". It didn’t last; they could never see eye-to-eye.
Keep away from dangerous cults; practise safe sects.
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.
Horses are amazing creatures, and so versatile. Consider the horse-drawn carriage. I didn’t even know a horse could hold a pencil, let alone draw.
The neighbours stunk out the whole street by burning a variety of resins, bark, seeds, roots and flowers. We were all incensed.
We bought a rabbit but it kept attacking me. So I made a run for it.
Attempting to manufacture cheese, I soon discovered the error of my wheys.
It was only fair that the 2023 award for best Fiction Writer went to Paige Turner.
Like an elderly dentist friend always advised me, "Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you."
I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano. I think it was an orchestrated attack.
When I was a kid my dad told me to put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs.l was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter.
The wife crashed the car again. She said the other guy was on his mobile phone and drinking a beer. The cops told her he can do that while he's in his own living room.
I've just come from the bank, wearing a ful- length evening gown.
"Why are you wearing that?" asked the manager.
I said: “You told me to provide proof of a dress!!"
A friend and I went up to the Ryanair check-in desk this morning.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."
I rang BT and said:"Hello I want to report a nuisance phone call." A voice said: "Oh God, not you again."
My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery. He was in charge of the hops ....