1
"Sorry I'm late," I said as I arrived back home. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tescos."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it and had to wait until he gave up looking ......"
2
 I saw a sign in a shop: 'Mosquito nets £25.' I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery.
3
 I just spent £250 hiring a limo - turns out, the driver's not included!! I've shelled out all that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
4
 I've got a new job visiting schools to promote the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's about raisin awareness.
5
 My wife says I should become an archaeologist due to my natural ability to constantly dig up the past.
6
 The man who fell off the bridge in Paris was found to be in Seine whilst the man who fell off a bridge in Egypt was in denial.
7
 I paid $29.95 for the book "Everything you need to know about online scams" back in June, but it still hasn't arrived.
8

At breakfast, where Jimmy is chattering endlessly.
Jimmy: "Dad, what's a forklift?"
Dad: "Food usually. You should try it."

9
 My brother got fired from the rubber band factory. He’s surprisingly calm, and assures me that he’ll bounce back.
10
 Is a female lumberjack a lumberjill? And what about steeplejacks?
11
 I went for a job interview to be an ice-cream man: didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.
12

I've just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
13

UAE don't have a cricket team but Abu Dhabi do.
14

A sock puppet is accused of being involved in a major crime. Police suspect someone else had a hand in it.
15

Quasimodo? Mmmm That name rings a bell.
16

If Minnie Driver had been born in the Netherlands, would she have been Minnie Van Driver?
17
I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.
18
 When I first heard Julie Andrews sing: "Doh, Re, Mi." .... I thought she’ll go far.
19
 It's a lovely crisp winter's morning: I've had three packets already!
20
 My German friend Dieter has lost a lot of weight.
21
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her bedroom drawers and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid' s outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
22
 Wife: "I'd like to donate this bag of clothes to the charity shop."
Husband: "Why don't you just throw it in the bin & save all the hassle?"
Wife: "But there are poor & starving people who could use these."
Husband: "Trust me - they are not starving if they can fit into your clothes."
The funeral is next Saturday .......
23
 I crossed a homing pigeon with a magpie. I've now got a house full of stolen jewellery.
24
 Our dog is permanently sad and will only eat a particular exotic fruit. She's now a melon collie.
25
I said to my doctor: "I've got a problem with the hearing in my left ear. "
He said: "Are you sure it's your left one?"
I said: "Yes, I'm definite."
26
I went house-hunting this morning - I shot two bungalows and a semi detached …..
27
 I asked my parents if I had been adopted. They said: "Not yet, but we live in hope."
My sister asked the same question and they said: "Yes, but they brought you back ....."
28
 My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery: he was in charge of the hops.
29
 I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing-gum - just need help getting it off the ground.
30
 I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
31
 An upholsterer has been badly injured at work. He's still recovering in hospital, and the nurses are getting very cross .....
32
 Just opened a bag of frozen peas, and a few fell out - obviously escapeas.
33
 When bees move into a new hive, do they hold a house-swarming party?
34
 A man just poked me with a fragrant stick: I was incensed.
35
 The pie baking competition has been delayed due to a false tart.
36
 Last night I made a lamb curry, but it seems that they prefer grass.
37
 My obese parrot died. I’m sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders.
38
 I was watching a James Bond movie & my wife asked me to do some odd jobs, so I threw my bowler hat at her.
39
 I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing gum: just need help getting it off the ground.
40
 There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park. Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.
41
Thankfully, the bust I ordered of an 18th century composer has arrived safely. The box says 'Handel with Care'.
42
 Had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house in the bath when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder.
43
 As a grown adult, I feel uncomfortable owning up to the fact that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under my duvet. No one will find it now: I've covered my tracks
44
 I was such an ugly baby that my Mother used to say: “Don’t call me 'Mum' when other people are about."
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