The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I can't put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard; it's me!"
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping, and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Two Irish blokes in a pub. Paddy says to Seamus: "You know, I always wondered why those scuba-divers dive backwards overboard."
"Don't be daft," says Seamus. "If they dived forwards they'd fall into the boat ..."