Ronnies Barker & Corbett

• "On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet."
  
  
• "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."
  
  
• "The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."
  
  
• "The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
  
  
• Ronnie Corbett (shop assistant): "There you are, four candles."
  Ronnie Barker: "No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!"
  
  
• The computerised doctor: (Ronnie Barker as doctor on screen speaking to Ronnie C the patient):
  "Please choose one of the following options: Do you suffer from any of the following:
  A - A bleeding nose
  B - Getting out of bed in the morning
  C - Terry Wogan
  D - all three: Terry Wogan getting up your bleeding nose every morning."
  
  
• Ronnie B: "And now a sketch in which I play the important part of Casanova."
  Ronnie C: "And I play the rest of him."
  
  
• Barker: "There now follows a sketch featuring ghosties and ghoulies."
  Corbett: "In which I get caught by the ghosties ..."
  Barker: "And I get caught by surprise!"
  
  
• Jehosephat & Jones:
  "Little Mary-Ellen by the old barn door,
  I know just what she's a-waitin' for.
  Up in the loft where the lamp light flickers.
  I lost my heart and she lost her parasol!"
  
  
• Tonight, we'll be asking: "Should all married couples be frank and earnest, or should one of them be a woman ..."
  
  
• "Grecian 2000 have assured greying men that their product will still work after midnight on Millennium Eve."
  
  
• "And we will be speaking to the scientist who crossed a yard of ale beer glass with a Chinese vase and a chamber pot, to get a ping-pong-piddle-high-po."
  
  
• "... and we will be speaking to the disillusioned vet who, in James Herriott style, is writing his memoirs, under the working title of 'All Creatures Grunt and Smell.'"
  
  
• "Tomorrow we will be talking to women who likes Nicholas Parsons."
  And also to a parson who likes knickerless women."
  
  
• The butler serving his master (whom he dislikes) and his lady, commenting:
  "Your biscuits, milady."
  "Your crackers, milord".
  "Your sweet, milady"
  "Your nuts, milord."
  
  
• "A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals."
  
  
• "We’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on."
  
  
• "It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy."
  
  
• "And now a message from the police in Finchley. There’s bad news about the two rabbits stolen from Peter’s Petshop. Only 14 have so far been recovered."
  
  
• "My great-grandfather was killed at Custer’s Last Stand — he didn’t take part in any fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise."
  
  
• "A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned!"
  
  
• " So it's good night from me ..."
  "... and it's good night from him. Good night!"

Open All Hours:

• "How many Ps in per per per per peppers, six or seven?"
  
  
• "There's only one thing worse than a drunken Scotsman.. and thats a sober one."
  
  
• To Granville who is yawning. "Close your mouth there's a b-b-b-b-bus c-c-c-c, oh don't worry it's gone now."
  
  
• "What he comes in for is his business. What he goes out with is my business."
  
  
• Nurse Gladys: "Business is looking up."
  Arkwright: "Yes, but p-pleasure is looking down." (gazing at her cleavage)
  
  
• "This Jamaican ginger cake's not from Jamaica."
  "So? We sell Mars bars, don't we?"

Porridge:

• (Playing Monopoly) "Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!"
  
  
• "My foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up."
  
  
• Porridge: "We dug another tunnel, and hid the dirt in there."
  
  
• Porridge with Lenny where Fletch starts:
  " Would you like the usual, sir."
  "I think I'll have a drink first."
  "Large one?"
  "Mind your own business."
  
  
• "My aunt did some missionary work Mr Mackay."
  "Oh yes Fletcher where was that?"
  "Glasgow I think."
  
  
• "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down."
  
  
• "Doctor: I want you to fill one of those containers for me."
  "Fletcher (other side of the room): What, from 'ere?"