Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year. My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne". My new year’s resolution is to drink less than my siblings; knowing them it should be easy ..... Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date. My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds. Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my TV. My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are. This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome, since that is really the only thing I do in excess. This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd. "Out with the old, in with the new" is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting. Usually my main goal at a New Year’s party is to remember who I came with. My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter. A New Year's Wish On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.My brother's New Year's resolution is to move out of my parents' house. You'd think after 49 years he'd try another one. Lecture Tour with A Difference On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly. A Bad Dream? Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?' 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'. New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies ...
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