The 50 best-ever one-liners

1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately shefd popped her clogs - Peter Kay

2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper

3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. Itfs either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think itfs Colin - Tommy Cooper

4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay

5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop

6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson

7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paperfs jamminf again - Unknown Origin

8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin

9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson

10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: eParking Fine.f So that was nice - Tim Vine

11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please donft let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray

12. Why do men get married? So they donft have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin

13. Where therefs a will, therefs a relative - Ricky Gervais

14. Just because nobody complains doesnft mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill

15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper

16. I had a ploughmanfs lunch the other day. He wasnft very happy - Tommy Cooper

17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you canft run - Milton Jones

18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didnft wave back ... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell

19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato. - Will Ferrell

20. Money doesnft buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin

21. Ifve lived in Manchester since my 20fs and Ifve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop

22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin

23. My friend keeps telling me Ifm in the closet. I just say itfs Narnia business - Will Ferrell

24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in "Heat" magazine - Bill Bailey

25. Bob Geldof...no wonder hefs such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on "I Donft Like Mondays" for thirty years - Russell Brand

26. Whatfs black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin

27. There are no medium rappers. Theyfre always either big or lil - Unknown Origin

28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although itfs hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips

29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with eGuessf on it. I said eThyroid problem?' - Peter Kay

30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises ... 1 George Clooney ... 2 Brad Pitt etc ... I thought eIfve got the better deal heref ... 1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre

31. Ifm a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey

32. So I said to a Scotsman eDid you have terrible spots as a kid?f He said eac nef - Unknown Origin

33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnft find any - Tommy Cooper

34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine

35. My mother told me, "You donft have to put anything in your mouth you donft want to." Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican

36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips

37. I hate when Ifm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin

38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, eHave you got frogfs legs?f He said, eYes,f so I said, eWell hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper

39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaminf Catholic - Unknown Origin

40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say eboughtf - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall

41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin

42. How do you know when youfre too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart

43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why canft you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand

44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis

45. A market researcher said ecan I ask you 10 questionsf, I said ego onf, she said equestion number one, have you ever had a blackout?f I said enof, she went ... and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack

46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin

47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, canft believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin

48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin

49. The pollen count, now thatfs a difficult job. Especially if youfve got hay fever - Milton Jones

50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh