New Definitions from the City

Bear - mythical creature representing caution and restraint in the markets

Bear Market - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

Blue chip company - frozen food manufacturer

Broker - what my broker has made me

Bull market - place where everyone talks bullocks

Bull market - a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

Cash flow - the movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain

City fat cats - it's all that urban living and fast food stocks - try exercising caution and cutting out junk bonds

Credit crunch - chocolate biscuit bought on spec

Credit risk - the likelihood of all your friends buying their round in the pub

Dow Jones - the market that lives next door and everyone else tries to keep up with

Economic capital - 'E'

Finance Minister - the person leading our prayers for a financial miracle

Financial planner - a guy whose phone has been disconnected

Footsie - traders kicking worthless stocks and shares under the desk

Gold standard - a flag worth waving, if you can carry it

Good investment - David Beckham modeling his underwear

Government bail out - the state's answer to the recent floods

Institutional investor - past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse

Liquidity freeze - putting your pension on ice

Market correction - heavy fall in share prices the day after you sell all your gold to buy stock

Market Risk - where the price of stocks and shares can go down as well as under

Operational risk - the likelihood your broker will survive when his clients threaten to cut out his liver

Profit - an archaic word used only by fund managers in calculating their gains

Shares - one for us and one million for the bankers - but hey, who said it was an equitable life?

Speculation - uncertainty over the outcome of your optician's appointment

Standard & Poor - your life in a nutshell

Stock analyst - idiot who downgraded your stock just before its shares rocketed

Stock exchange - you might as well, as they're not worth keeping

Stock split - when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

Wall Street - a place full of Wallies

Windows - what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share